084 Two Straight Equals Death w/ Caleb Barge (@calebthoughts)

I was in NY for a hot minute and had time to visit my pal Caleb where we have one of our regular chats about everything. Check out Caleb’s podcasts- We’re Going To Hell and The Caleb Barge Podcast.

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Show Notes

caleb's apt in bk, dmt, sunburned on acid, too homophobic to apply cancer, 01:25 two straights = death, are we gonna fall in love with each other?, spartans, women don't do that, they're not dumb women won't die, if women ran war, ronda rousey, good sportsmanship is the backbone of peace, guys know, 5:00 "sorry, bro," ying yang, patriarchy, oppression, women were dominated, women in power, griselda blanco, 8:00  women really run shit secretly, boys vs girls, dog genders, identify as a woman, alan turing, 12:45 smart people as alcoholics, the bell curve, caleb loves indian or asian dentists, i suck at math, the normal curve,  15:45 rick would rather die because everybody's dumb, nothing's gonna change without violent revolution, ausrotten, 18:00, control, grew up as a minority,  20:00 didn't do anything to be asian, kill creativity leads to tribalism, 21:00 macdougal st mofo!, no creativity, just saw artist, should you get money from the state, starving artists, 23:00 suicide leading cause of death among white men, liberals are hypocrites, 24:30 when did you realize you were white, black kids picking on, 27:00 malik, 28:00 refused to eat watermelon, 29:00 being an asian driver, 29:20 fried chicken, 30:30 watermelon is a natural viagra, 31:40 hard dick diet, 32:30 mediteranean diet is sexy,  33:30 sexy meal, what happens when a woman takes viagra, 34:00 take viagra and not be horny, depressed, 35:00 no sex leads to depression, addicted to love, love potions, 37:00 rape vs slavery, infatuation vs love, 40:00 garlic knots, 44:00 some people want to be fucked by dead people, savior complex, alcoholic girl, heroin girl, psychedelics helped me see, leeches, 48:00 empathy, 49:30 my dad lying about mom, 51:30 brutal liar, 52:30 chris kid, 54:00 feeling alone, 55:00 blue text bubble, joke- hannah dickinson, suicide, depression, 1:00:45 incels, 01:03:40 psychedelics and religion, 01:12:30 bad trips and music, 01:16:25 Jesus was white 

079 Blue Texts Matter

I was on a bit of a hiatus, had to get a job on top of being lazy, lots of noise in the world, marketing speak, George Carlin, rebrand, cricket, wickets, cricket bat, office jobs suck, MMMMcast, marketing speak, euphemisms, America is still great at marketing, change my name, Joe Rogan, Seth Rogen, mental health, propaganda's effect on mental health, XXXtentacion, blue texts matter, child slaves making our phones, tales from late capitalism, Kill Tony #315.


078 Shoutout To The Kids Making Our Phones

This is a lost episode I salvaged from the depths. These kids are dying to make our phones!

I talk about too much shit, too connected, technology, child slaves, thank you children, give them phones, Nike, sweat shops kids have grown up, we don't care, we could be making phones for the Chinese, things change, North Mexico, trying to follow the news, Khashogi, Saudi Arabia, Stalin, Russia, murdering journalist, are you ok with being murdered?, the death of journalism in the US, New York Times, William Randolph Hearst, yellow journalism, Chinese Exclusion Act, marijuana prohibition, DuPont, makes a black man look a white man in the eye, makes a white woman consider non-white men, and why not?, it makes people hang out together regardless of race and enjoy music, muckrakers, midterm elections, DNC has no strategy, Elizabeth Warren, one drop rule, money in politics, cancel democracy, Badger getting shut down by bitches, closeted Republicans, closeted people everywhere, get more Asian friends, victim blaming for the financial crisis, personal responsibility vs a corrupt system, if the UN got together to stop America's consumption and punished the people, responsibility onto the people instead of the power, socialize the losses, we need rails or we'll go off them, i'm the guy who needs to eat and i have to change?, people are important, botox is the deadliest poison but people use it to cheat death

073 Turning 40 Is The Steak Eating Moment In The Matrix

I debate a name change for the podcast, avoid the Bourdain and Spade suicides amidst a cacophony of squawking of media, politics, children get the worst of it, kids acting like adults are creepy, protected period of innocence, infant mortality at 50%, i don't have anyone to pull it out, happy i remembered, turning 40 50% of the way there, dealing with 0-20, senior citizen babies, openly cruel, the mask has come off, good/evil duality, grasping at narratives to make sense of reality, have i been so high that i know what i know what i'm talking about?, telling stories around the fire, caveman times, shadows on the wall, human evolution, hominid evolution, timescale, genetic bottleneck, hitchhiker's guide, microdosing, helping with cyclical depression, 40 is the steak eating moment in the matrix, xxxtentacion, when i was 19-20, push them east, riots, rooftop koreans, guys getting raped is still funny, will i die on that hill, no but i'll get raped on it, chemical merry-go-around, what did trump do, the border and the kids, white people calling cops on black people for existing, public shaming in restaurants, republicans eat a surprising amount of mexican food (and DNA), gambling on sadism, borders are just where armies got tired, i asked my elders about what they think of north korea and some of them say it's good and the others say it's commie propaganda, peace in our time or we'll all die from nuclear annihilation! 

072 Asians: Infinity War

It's Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month? What does that mean? Where is Asia, who is Asia, WHY IS ASIA?!?! ...and will they ever stop fighting? Are we in the midst of Korean Reunification? Will it be as easy as Thanos Snappening his fingers and making half the Koreans disappear (hopefully, the bad half amitrite?)? Is this entire description going to be in questions? I could see that happening, but could the whole podcast be in the form of a question? There's only one way to find out?

071 Raised In A Barn Of Neglect

We're doing it live! Despite some imaginary sound issues, I powered through to rant about doing comedy in the Valley, neo-feudalism, archery as revenge against birds, and how I'M TIRED OF CURRENT EVENTS, but who am I to stop the tide pods of history? 

070 Lock Lobster

More Gulag Archipelago to kick us off into a brief aside about Jordan Peterson and Cathy Newman, who you may not need me to remind you of, but let us consider the lobster, possibly for a bit too long. Then it's time to move onto the use of Asians as a sweet visual gag... I'm one to talk, I'm like a walking visual gag. And finally I top it off with an observation on the recentness of clean water and how everyone that ever lived in history before then was drunk.

069 United States of Baddies

The Gulag Archipelago has really got me thinking. Are we truly innocent until proven guilty when there are unjust laws in existence? Laws like NOT EATING CHICKEN BONES OFF THE COUNTER, BADGER, BAD BOY!! YOU ARE A BAD BOY AND I WILL PUT YOU IN BAD BOY PRISON!!! Apparently feeding raw chicken bones to dogs is fine, even good for them, but cooked bones can splinter and kill them. Wait, but maybe I'm the bad one? He's not the one who left the bones out, he's just a dog. Maybe I'm the bad one? Let's extrapolate that to our society at large... are we the bad guys?  Because if we were in Star Wars are we the Resistance or the First Order. What do either of those things mean anyway? Why did the Empire fall to the Republic only for it to fall to the First Order? It just seems a little too convenient. I look back at my stretch of THC freedom having broken my fast, and some of the observations I've made. Finally, I consider our role as the world's police as we send faceless robots to rain fire down on tribal societies, or even just our complicity in a cycle of death that is necessary and inherent in order for so many of us to live. 

068 The Content Creators of our Character

Is it appropriate to say Happy MLK Day? Would he be happy if he were alive today? How would he fare against the #MeToo movement? I'm reading The Gulag Archipelago, I talk about crypto currency, and I go off on whiny selfish weed smokers who are complaining about recreational weed taxes.

067 High-atus

Happy New Year?

I'm back! And also sober. Stone cold sober as a church mouse who works in a church that drug tests. I go over my trip to NYC, my trip in NYC, how Dave Chappelle inspired me to get back in the game, and how my dad is in the running for Father of the Year. 

066 Comedy Police Brutality

Free speech is under assault! Not just the ability to say things, but also the ability to question what we should and shouldn't say. Of course, I'm talking about my open mic adventures! This time, I'm banned from an open mic just for asking why we weren't allowed to tell dick jokes. Keep in mind, this was an ad hoc rule the host decided to tack on after someone's set. This type of thing is bad for comedy. Where else but an open mic can comedians risk being unfunny in order to find what's funny? Censorship ensures that those risks are always second-guessed and is comedy contraception cockblocking laughter.

065 Living The Dream

I love comedy. I'm talking a real love though, not an empty platitude on Valentine's Day candy. I'm talking about having to clean someone else's shit kind of love, which only seems to be appropriate with babies and animals, but here I am doing it for comedy. It's in the awkward moments where the fabric of social norms is whisked aside momentarily that I revel in. I recognize that perhaps I'm masochistic, but I've had enough therapy to realize that it's ok, it's totally appropriate in the context of standup comedy to ride that edge. Haha I sound like such a douchebag.