Who's Hangrier Than North Korea?

President Trump told reporters that any threat to the US from North Korea would be met with "fire and fury." People all over the world, government and civilian alike, simultaneously facepalmed while clenching their assholes.

The thing is we ain’t gonna do shit and neither are they. Of course, anything is possible, but I've come to terms with the fact that we're not in the darkest timeline, so there's hope yet. Honestly, there’s nothing for us there. We tried 60 years ago, and it ended up being a wash, though it did set the stage for how I got here. Probably some others, too. Yes, there was a little old war, The Korean War, that people call the Forgotten War, because back then there was no PTSD, just STFU.

North Korea has recently made waves because of nuclear tests, a successful ICBM test of a missile that could hit New York, and Defense Intelligence has confirmed that they have missile-ready weapons-grade nuclear warheads.


Yeah, I'm sure they'll be ready to launch missiles at the US as soon as they finally move from AOL to Gmail. Come on, guys. They’re a little behind, to put it politely. They thought Dennis Rodman was still famous for fuck's sake! You know who else has way better nukes? Everybody else who has nukes.

Nobody in the region wants war, probably not even the Dear Leader, and definitely not all the other countries with nukes. There's no winner.

Trump and North Korea are probably just cranky because they haven’t eaten in ages. I don't blame them. I'm totally the same. Is there anyone hangrier than a North Korean? Well, maybe Donald Trump. Please don't put me in an internment camp! Dude, I grew up in the Valley, I can’t go to Manzanar…



Leaks On Fleek

Leaking is where it's at these days. It's only the most popular and coolest way to get out things that other people don't want you to know. As privacy becomes more and more obsolete, leaks will become more and more powerful. 

Imagine if in the future we are able to project holograms over our faces so that we could look however we want. Most people will aim to be good looking, but if everyone becomes good looking, nobody's good looking. The perceived value of something is relative to other things of greater or lesser value. Nobody will care about looks, unless you happen to reveal your true face. Your true ugly-ass face. Maybe someone will leak it, ruining your career, humiliating your family... I mean what if you're like really ugly?!?!?

Some intrepid soul might decide that revealing her face is the real way to stand out, and she'd turn off her hologram on national TV. How brave, many people would say. How brave. But is she really? She just did something that other people don't like to do. It's very similar to how some people respond when I say I do comedy. They say, "That's so brave."

But it really isn't. I'm a leaker of my ridiculous innermost thoughts. "Brave" should be reserved for people who care for others. 


Feeling real burned by Rachel Maddow. I got fished in. Hooked. She got me. Goddammit. She tweeted out that she had Trump’s tax returns and told everyone to tune in 9p EST. I’m on PST, so that meant it was on right after work. Fuck it, I’ll see what the scoop is. The scoop turned out to be a turd. A scoop of bullshit for my stupid waffle cone brain that fell for such an obvious ploy for my attention. I thought I was sufficiently cynical and dead inside to withstand the hucksterism of today’s “media,” but no, I’m just a dumb dumb who gets distracted by the shiny thing.

An entire half hour of Rachel Maddow’s bombshell show was her explaining to us why we want to see Trump’s tax return. WE ALREADY KNOW WHY, THAT’S WHY WE’RE HERE!!!

Then this guy says he’s the one who got two pages of a 1040 from 2005, sent to him by mail, possibly by Trump himself. He goes on to mention that Trump’s done stuff like this before, also there was gold dust all over the pages, so that was also a clue.

This whole thing smells like a set-up. I bet it was Trump that mailed it out, because it was sent through snail mail like an old person would, and because he’s got the media wrapped around his finger. He snaps their finger and they all come running. He tosses them scraps of irrelevant info and they clamber over it like drunk bridesmaids over the bouquet. This is all because the media went whole-hog on becoming for-profit ventures, meaning the bottom line is the most important thing above things like the truth and protecting the public. Instead, the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, all the fake news outlets are getting huge bumps in their numbers.

It’s the Trump Bump. Whether you hate him or not, it’s undeniable. Look at Megyn Kelly.

Is journalist.

Is journalist.

She got into it with him, got raked over the coals, ousted at Fox News, but then, she came over to NBC and is stacking cheddar. The media is a money hungry machine. It has no soul. It sold that long ago, when it decided making a buck was more important than Joe Public.

I used to think Rachel Maddow as one of the good ones, but I realize that that’s no different than thinking that about Glenn Beck, or any of these other charlatans posing as journalists. Say what you will about Alex Jones, but at least he’s entertaining and goes for it.

If the news is becoming pro wrestling, then let’s move out of the 70s era wrestling that was “realistic” and move onto the revealing itself for what it is- a song and dance to get your attention and money.

Happy 240th, America!

America turned 240 this year and it’s time to reflect on the past and look to the future, while in the present we’re nursing our hangovers and indigestion as the the dazzling memories of the Chinese invention of fireworks fade away slowly. What would the Founding Fathers think? 



Most of them would be shocked, while I’m sure that a few would be even more shocked that we haven’t changed the Constitution at all. “Hey, we put in the Amendment thing for a reason, you guys should change a lot of this.” 

There’s a tendency to look backward and idealize the past as if the past were somehow perfect and we are a degradation from that state. But perfect, how? When there was slavery? When women had no rights? When people were being lynched and churches were bombed? When we were systematically cleansing the continent of natives and the buffalo they ate? It seemed like the return to perfection only applies to a certain few people that benefitted greatly whose descendants now have to bear the crushing weight of having to check their privilege. The sons and daughter pay the price for their parents, whether that’s the emotional cost of the past catching up with us or a nursing home.

So where are we America? What’s the deal? We seem to be real shooty. Why all the shooting? I mean we’ve only been at war for 13 years how could that possibly have an effect on the psyche of a country that has about 100 guns per person? OF course, we’ve been at war much longer, in fact it’s one of the last few things we’re good at!

Throw in the War on Drugs and we’re in a perpetual state of combat. How could that possibly affect people? Just because state allocated mental health resources have been cut to the bone since the Reagan years and gun sales have been crushing prof, as well as the effect of the continuous media cycle including the nitrous-like injection that comes from social media, what could possibly happen?

It’s already happening. We’ve have enough mass shootings to make a desk calendar featuring one a day. Not a bad way to capitalize and make some scratch off of mass murder. It’s so hot right now! And what could be more American than turning that frown upside down and mass producing for sale! What sweeter cake could our great country sup upon, but one made from the very bodies it requires broken in order to become the first among all nations?